To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom ~Bertrand Russell~

Heading to Marina Bay Countdown 08/09 in a while…my first new year countdown in 28 years of my life….no idea what to expect other than the human traffic….then the real traffic…worried over carpark location. the weather also can be so unpredictable that I already ask Elf to get ponchos for 5 of us. Lets hope no rain and nice fireworks. For $18 , i guess its worth it to spent some good fun with the good buds….

To my dearest friends…far and near…I wish you every bit of happiness in the world for you. May 2009 brings a brighter, happier moments in your life. And most importantly, good health and good wealth to us all. Ameen!

Happy New Year! Happy 2009!

Goodbye to 2008 which brings so much memories for me…so much, so very very much!

Yeah….abg’s wedding went smooth despite the wet weather. It wasn’t stormy nor sunny. It looks as if God turns on the aircon for us. It was just nice. Cool and wet day….makes everything almost perfect. The company of friends and close relatives all being merry and happy just filled the air with much happiness. It was felt by all of us there. But I have a thing about being too happy. There is a price to pay. It only applies to me. Not the majority. I’ve paid for that price.  Really good way to pay for it.

Hurt….Tears…..Pain….found it …..lost it….But then again, its not the end of the world. So life goes on after this. As if nothing happen. I am where I am…still torn between leaving and staying. Had a quite chat with mum while driving today. Nothing much was said but apparently I get her point. She said, just because I want something….doesn’t mean I’m gonna get it. She’s one who always believe in divine intervention. She gave a rather good example along with it. I recalled how I was all panicky on the day of the wedding…Sunday. I woke up rather late to a very very wet morning. It was still raining….the wedding venue was leaking. But mum just remained cool while saying the weather will be great. The sun will shine. I can’t believe the positive attitude in her. She’s just simple yet incredible. The sun didn’t came. But the rain stopped. It was wet, cool, breezy day the entire day. No sun. No rain. Like I said, as if God turns on the aircon for us. That’s even better than having the sun shining too bright…nor a stormy day that surely would ruin the day. She said to me today, she ask for what she tot was the best weather for the wedding. But God knows even better what’s best for us all. HE gave the perfect weather, even better than what mum ask for.

Simple lesson to learn. I’m still hoping and asking God for that one thing I’ve wished for since so long ago. I didn’t get it, yet. I’ve tried again and again. Until today….HE didn’t grant me  what  I wanted. Does HE have something better for me? Only time will tell. Time will heal the wounds. But being me, I like to wait. Just like how jude always says it, i’m like a toad in a pot, never leave even though the pot is already boiling and i’m almost cooked in it. Patience is a virtue. But patience can be at a price as well.

Not sure if what happen was just a sudden outburst of uncontrollable emotion that was bottled up for quite a while. It starting to show signs physically coz ppl been saying i’ve lost weight. Not sure abt that…but I’m aware of the lost of appetite lately. No appetite…not much food, leads to weight lost. I’m back on track leading my life as if nothing happen. The day after that fateful incident, I woke up feeling numb. I tot it was a dream. Sadly, it wasn’t. The SMSes was real, wet tissues were real. It happened. No regrets. I felt as though there is nothing much to look forward to anymore.  I felt drained out. Like half of my soul was detached away from my body. Eventually dragged myself out of bed. Did my prayers. And left home to run my errands. Life goes on…..as simple as that….

So i’m living my life now….as though nothing happened….or mayb too much happened that I beginning to not feel anything anymore. I just one that one wish to come true…that one prayer to be answered…….so very much. I’m torn between the choices i’m going to make. there are only two. But its freaking hard to make.  

Is Cancerian such a sentimental wreck who just can’t let go of things?  I’ve got things from dinosaurs years I’m still keeping…..Is this even normal? What is normal anyway?

Whatever, I better hit the sack already……

It was very very painful …. *tsk* *tsk* how come ah?

It could have been the snake documentary from OkTo last night lah…aiyoyo….no more snake show before bed….

Is it ok to be scared?

I learnt today that, it is OK to be scared. I guess a lot of ppl are. But why?

My greatest known fear …is losing someone I love.  Losing them by death or apart in life. Either way, you loose ‘em.

I can still clearly remember an incident at age 9. I was in my room which I shared with granma, and my lil cousins who at that time stays with me. I wasn’t in the best of mood after I lost a game of Monopoly with big brother. So the rule was simple, I lost the game, I clean up the pieces and keep it tidy, back in the box.  As I sat alone in the room picking up the pieces of fake money and dice and such, I have no idea why the tot of losing my granma crosses my mind that very instance. I was 9 then, I ran out of the room crying my heart out looking for granma *very typical of hindi movie scene* but it happened. I didn’t know that,just the tot of it could consumed me till I reacted in that manner. I have no idea if the family members recalled that incident. But I basically clinged on to granma while she was watching tv in the living room. Quite a scene I made, that distracted the family for a moment, till granma calmed me down.

Many years later, I lost a young cousin who was still born. I hadn’t known him for as long as I have known granma, of coz. But the pain of seeing my aunt having to bear that pain of losing her new born is painful enough. She is a petite, yet a strong woman. Not many can handle such painful situation but she did. She had overcome her fear someway, somehow.

But me? I have yet to overcome mine. It is said that, its ok to be scared, because it reminds us that we have something to lose. So we do anything in our capabilities so that we need not confront that fear. But I believe we have to somehow, at some point of our life, lose it and accept it. It is just the way things are. No matter how afraid we are, life goes on, it always does – no matter what.

So moral of the story, its ok to be scared…

Besides that, I’m scared to sleep alone after a horror movie, afraid of the dark, and the list goes on and on……since its ok to be scared, why limit yourself ? Right?