Living with WHAT IF’s?

What if you believe in something so much that you not willing to budge no matter if the weight of the world is on you and everyone else disagree. How?

I have one thought, opinion, wish…i dunno what to call it but I’m not willing to budge from my that one particular believe even if I had to die waiting for it. Too bad lah kan if I really didn’t happen. I don’t even know if I will regret doing it or not. Basically I did much thoughts, its really crazy to still believe in it. But then again, nothing is impossible in this world, unless HE said no. But I’m willing to take that chance. That one chance that might ruin me for good. That’s why I can’t understand myself.

But there other thoughts – not so good ones – that’s been clouding my mind. And that also is driving me insane. Why must that happen? Why must I know that it happened? And why I choose to be ok about it? Why???????????????????????????????????????????????

I’m really falling sick i think. But I don’t want to “+1″ to the H1N1 statistics. The sore throat has lead to body aches and all. How could that even be? Being sick, truly sucks!

I was sickly in KL. I had fun but I know if I’m 100% healthy I would have much more fun. I’m like 70% healthy 30% sick. So I sleep a whole lot. Even when back home, I tried to sleep in early, which I did apparently. Hit the sack by about 11. Tat’s early considering that I can still b out at that hour on some days.

I’m just worried I get the freaking pneumonia thingy, like i did couple of years back….ohhhhh tats bad….i recalled exactly how it all started. And I’m seeing similar symptoms now. Tat was bad, 4 doctors and 1 A&E visit, almost 2 weeks of MC in total before I eventually recovered.  Close to being warded. Yikes! Please not during this H1N1 season….pls no no ….

So I’m planning on a “good-girl-week”, which means, I go home straight after work and hit the sack after dinner a tiny bit of tv.

Not sure if I should go to my Family Dr. tonite or not….why am I getting body ache???? I’m feeling the chills this very moment.

And look at the weather, its pouring outside……should have parked outdoor to get free car wash..hehehe…..

Sick sick ..cough cough…..aching everywhere…..oh boy i need my bed…..and blankets…

Back to my conference call…..

Its all in the F**KING mind……….and its driving me insane!

If a battlefield sheds blood. Emotional battle shed tears.  But crying is not necessarily a sign of weakness, but more so a sign of strength.  The pain one felt as the tears flow might just be the very ammunitions that will lift you up for yet another round of gruesome battle.

Think about it.

Unfortunately for some, tears is a sure sign of defeat & weakness where everything else falls apart, together with watever that is left in them to fight. That, is an unfortunate ending.

Which is yours?

To all the men in my life…..

I love kids for they are innocent, naive and smart, all at the same time.

They ask questions that adults don’t usually ask or simply overlooked. I encountered that moment a couple of months back. Didn’t give it much thought until today. Though I wish the same question come from someone else….hehehe… But then again, if they do, I probably reacted differently. Strange but maybe coz kids asked out of pure innocence rather than being a busybody like some adults doo.

But it did strike me as to WHY such question.  They must have either seen a lot of sinetrons or they ever heard the adults talking abt it. It all comes back to the adults…Their PARENTS, like all our parents, they are flawed, contradicting but yet always forgivable. For we are none other than their kids. Kids have such inquisitve minds. I wish I’m forever a kids. My entire life I’m surrounded by kids.

Growing up at 406 Clementi, I suddenly recalled that I’m the only girl. I was surrounded by abang, abg amy, abg sani, and I do recall this 2 good-looking boy siblings living at the other end of the corridor. Don’t quite recall their names. But basically I’m surrounded by boys. I have a toy car which required me to paddle. Not those electrical/chargable car kids have nowadays. That’s vague how I still have that bit of memory of my childhood days outside the corridors of Blk 406. I also recalled Papa always brings me swimming at Clementi swimming pool. Papa actually tried to teach me how to swim, with my legs splashing all over the place, I wouldn’t say it is very much a success. Then I have those photos of the younger Yai (granpa) carrying me in his arms. Him and nenek showered me with much love and toys and loads of cash (tats during my school days). I think being a very young kid I was NEVER running out of cash. Bringing $50 at primary school level for some could be rare. But for me its a monthly affair, because Yai’s pay day usually means I’m richer. I never save the $$$ anyway, I’ll spend and spend. And I’ll get more everytime. And pls ok, that’s NOT why I love him. I love them ALL because they gave me unconditional love. 

Growing even older at Bukit Batok blk 248. I did have some girl friends but I’d prefer the guys because they are, what I called “no-fuss and no-frills”. Simple, just play, have fun, tired already, go home and eat…play some more..hahahha…I remember those guys. Anak cik yassin, cik ahmad tingkat 4, cik rosli, those are the closest. There are more. Mostly boys. each family has at least one girls who are either too old or too young to play with me. And because I’m probably a PUSH-OVER even at such young age, the boys doesn’t really mind having me around. Hari Raya would mean Papa bring us both to Bukit Timah shopping centre to buy clothes..Orchard is a luxury once a while when we follow Cik Norma. Swensens & McDonalds was also a luxury. I remember lots of “my-first”, like first McDonald visit was with Yai at Bukit Batok. Yai bought me a Cheeseburger Happy Meal. I must have been the happiest grand-daughter in Bukit Batok, maybe. I remember looking at his face after leaving the queue with my Happy Meal box. So happy & grateful!!  My first MRT trip from Bukit Batok back then was with Papa. It was a few days after the MRT was in operations. Those are the prominent ones i recalled until today.

My point is,  my life has always been around boys, men who are always there to protect me. Kinda…even now I have close buds who are men *can’t be boys right?*

BUT STRANGELY I CAN’T GET A BOYFRIEND..*ROFL* Really strange. I mean REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYY…. I never actually give up and sworn myself to singlehood. I don’t know the meaning of give up in some matters, u see. But I already put the matter to rest coz its not a topic that can be force nor plan. I’m just glad being single also, for many reasons actually. So being on the brighter side of things, I believe it is not yet my time to find “Mr Husband”. So ok lah…I can live with that, FOR NOW.  Just for now ya.

This entry, I talked abt nothing else but men. Father, Brother, Granpa and other men. This is partly to commemorate Fathers Day on 21 June. My mini-bbq just turn into somewhat a big event with abt 60 pax. Hawa said its like my engagement party (amin! amin!) *LOL*

So…

To Papa whose garang-ness (fierce-ness) must have put me under control, and tamed and obedient , else I might just go wild coz I’m not afraid of the rest of them, I get pampered by the rest, even my aunties & uncles. Happy Father’s Day Papa!

To Yai, even though you are my super loveable granpa, you’ve been and always will be like a father to me also. I will never forget each day you fetch me and waited for me - after school, after tuition, after ngaji, send me to religious class. basically everywhere, you are always there for me. Selamat Hari Bapa!

To Abang, father-to-be-in-Nov, need not say much. The fella who finished my milk-bottle filled with Rose Syrup or Milo back then when we were kids. Until today, you have the habit of taking sips from my Nescafe/MILO/COKE, turning off the light when I shower and make me scream like mad woman….haha..Still, I’m sure you will be a good, responsible and loving father to your kid coz of your patience in dealing with issues. Insya Allah. Amin.

To my late Atuk, I can only gift a gift of Al-Fatehah, may your soul rest among those who are dear to HIM. Amin. Insya Allah.

Happy Fathers Day to All the Fathers out there…my uncles wherever you are, the fathers of my closest friends. And all the fathers in the world. I wish you all a Happy Fathers Day!

Time to go home! Preparation for BBQ starts yesterday. *ROFL*

Hello…is it me u looking for?

I’m addicted to this song. Its looping on my iPod since lunch time…..Anything that my idol sings is good…Fine! I’m being biased but who cares. He’s my idol mah…..

Of coz the original song I already like…but when Anuar Zain sings it at one of his shows past few months..orrhhhhh….*melts away* great vocal, great lyrics…need i say more…too bad no videos nothing…..but still I’m lovin’ it..and I just sang it myself at karaoke. I should put in loops and sing it again and again and again….but didn’t ….once only….

Enjoy the simple lyrics….if u wanna listen go find it on uTube yourself ok…

I’ve been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You’re all I’ve ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
‘Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you …

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I’ve just got to let you know

‘Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven’t got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you …

Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
‘Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven’t got a clue
But let me start by saying … I love you

Beside me and my love for love songs lately and everything lovey dovey….

*switching to Inspector Gadget mode*

I got like few things I should let go and earn some ‘ka-chings’….like my 2nd 3rd-hand iPod 4GB, iPod Shuffle 1GB (brand new still in d’box), NOKIA N70 (Papa is eyeing this, harassing me on daily basis actually to get it, but I’m not keen on giving coz Yai paid half of it..considering still), NOKIA 6610. Since I got myself the iPhone 8GB…somehow the function of all the above gadgets seems to merge itself into the iPhone, more infact..but then again, the Iphone 3G couldn’t capture video..SUCKS! And soon, i mean really, really very soon, APPLE is releasing the iPhone 3Gs…with video capture…wat the hecks right? Probably I should sell the current iphone and buy the new Iphone 3Gsinstead..how’s tat? *judy’s sure gonna scold me sia* but if i want it…seriously…i will get it…the itch hasn’t go away lah…the iPhone ITCH….

been really incredibly bz with work and loving the family functions to keep us bonded just like the series Brothers & Sisters - from the past flea markets and gatherings after gatherings…mothers day, fathers day (upcoming), wedding invites, baby showers, kenduri, etc etc…. Basically I’m happy and truly bless by Allah S.W.T for giving me a wonderful family and also, what I called ”my chosen family” a.k.a my dear friends *u ought to know who u r* I am glad for those. So very very glad to HIM.

I gotta a conference call shortly. Then I’m soaking in the pool tonight, then after dinner-out, im going to continue my Brothers & Sisters Marathon :P Its going to be a bz work week – Post Holiday Syndrome, nothing new. Just that I’m having it way ahead of schedule, usually it occurs few days before my holiday, but this time around, its happening like 3 weeks before the holiday.

It will be an even busier weekend starting Friday when I’m on leave.  Gotta a BBQ to plan and organize for next week.

July?? Well July is a special month. For now, I can only forsee my weekend used up to simulate the Disaster Recovery over 3 weekends at work, which equates to 6 days of OFF-DAYS, ain’t that great or what???? Only the first week, I get to spend on my hobby i.e. watching off-shore concerts…Wow! Off-shore sounds like oil rig lah? This trip is having a code name: Operation Suicidal Midwife (directly translated from Malay - ”Bidan Terjun”). So tats a preview of July…

An hour to conference call, better get cracking…ohhh shit..how do I clocked the time I use to blog on my timesheet \

*oooopsss*….hahahaha…..

Live via iPhone

I m blogging at office via iphone on 3G network. Having a hard time tapping the touch keyboard. Now lets view it from the web…..

Stop calling already lah……

Alternate days I’m having a bad bad badddddddddddd day….

I was late to conduct training this morning, trainees went on strike and didn’t turn up when I was eventually in the meeting room. Only managed to help 2 people out of so many.

Right after returning to office, I decided to go for early lunch and take passport photo only to realize I spent $8 for a bad photo. And attempt to scan it, is yet another failure. Now must go home and figure it all out again. Darn!

Then, now…my BB kepts calling and calling and calling…how the F%$# to do work if the phone is ringing endlessly….I had 3 missed calls from him, 4 calls answered, only one that I called him. I think he will call me again and again and again. I can’t freaking do my work sia…..

And I got 100 emails mixture of read and unread mails which I JUST MARKED ALL AS UNREAD….wat the F%$# …!?? Now I can’t figure out what is done and what is not….

What more damages can I do? I need to cool off first…..

Love of your life

Have you found the love of you life? Maybe I have not or rather….I can’t comprehend what it really means by “Love of one’s life”. I know what LIFE is. I now know what LOVE is. But how abt Love of my Life? I figured you will only know it when you’re dead. Coz that’s the end of your life and whoever is the one with you till the end, is the love of your life. Well that’s just to close of that statement. 

But when you’re dead, demised, passed away, gone, watever you wanna call it.  People might think or say out loud at your funeral, “Oh dear, she left behind the love of her life”. In this context, I’m refering to your other half - husband, boyfren, domestic partner. But I also believe that, sometimes, one’s husband is not one’s love of their life. Am I making any sense here? Probably you did found the love of you life but couldn’t have that love. So then came the idea of moving on. This alone is a super duper tough shit to get through. Its like you just had a super heavy meal, and your stomach is all full, you wish you could flush it all out, maybe hoping you had diarrhea. But all you can do is sit at the shit hole, suffering a constipation instead. So there you have it. Its all confusing I’d say.

So I learnt recently at the movie advert, put up by THINKFAMILY.SG that sometimes the love of your life is someone who has got so many imperfections, but somehow this person is perfect for you BECAUSE of those imperfections. It makes a lot of senses that advertisement. Well, when you love someone, trust me, you can really live with it, NO MATTER what. That much I believe. You’ll come to a point of loving till it hurts, literally. Really hurts you that bad, till you cry. All you will do, is wipe away the tears and pray hard, tomorrow will be a better day for both of you. And it can goes on like that for a million years if you really can live that long. At times like that, some might call you Nutz…but some call it Love. Depends on which side of the fence you’re at.

Reminded me of some married ppl I know, who have had flaws of their own, but somehow, once married they compliment each other. They make it work somehow….someway. Some try their very best. Some don’t need to try that hard.  Some tried, failed, try again, and again and again. They are heroes in their own rights, in the battle in finding true love.

Are you one of those who search for true love, one who searches for love of your life? Or did you moved on and settle for someone else? If you did, have you ever wondered probably you are the love of the other person’s life? So it wasn’t really all that bad ya?

Maybe, one can eventually settled down with another but have someone else as the love of their life. I’ve seen many of such. But I’m still trying to comprehend and understand such rationale.

However, there are some who still hope to be with the love of their life, that special someone who at one time, stole their heart and resides at that special spot deep in your heart and soul, cannot be de-throned by anyone else or by anything that anyone said.

I guess, those imperfections may be THE most perfect thing for you.

May you find the love of  your life….

Vacant

I will continue to _____.

But I will stop to _____.

Conclusion, the ____ is now _____.

Mothers’ Day around the corner…a simple family gathering would do me good. Mum tot of eating at Pondok Jawa Timur..probably I should bring her there….ehmmm..with nenek.

Abg & Kakak going on honeymoon to Swiss. I’m gonna miss them loads for the next 2 weeks. Being the good sister, I’m going to send them off. Even took leave just to send them off. How can I not be a good sister.

BTW, I just got back from Jogja…superb holiday back to the kampung. Not mine but still it was a great trip…a lil hiccup was the painful cramp that hit me on my 3rd day there..But was fine after a bottle of ‘tumeric juice’. IT WORKS! ok…no pain AT ALL right after that. I probably should import that whole carton.  Thanks to a dear friend who bought it.

Work is madness…and I’m going crazy. To the extend I told jude to follow me go PUFF. I’m not a smoker, by the way. It must be the crazy chat. I actually just meant go for break jude. relaks..i’m not yet crazy. at least not completely crazy YET.

almost knock off time…

Yeah i’m going to watch Concert on Saturday..Yippie!!!! Weekends are so precious but I have many weekends that I have to work…it doesn’t really matter anymore….weekday….weekends doesn’t makes any more difference.

Matahariku

Tertutup sudah pintu .. pintu hatiku
Yang pernah dibuka waktu hanya untukmu
Kini kau pergi dari hidupku
Kuharus relakanmu walau aku tak mau

Berjuta warna pelangi didalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergening menjauh pergi
Tak ada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi

Dengarlah matahariku suara tangisanku
Kubersedih kerna panah cinta menusuk jantungku
Ucapkan matahariku puisi tentang hidupku
Tentangku yang tak mampu menaklukan waktu

Berjuta warna pelangi di dalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergening menjauh pergi
Takada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi